Beyond Binary: Navigating My Gender Identity

Written by: A 
Email: [email protected]


I've been struggling lately with my gender identity and expression. I'm a lesbian, I identify with the term since I feel like being born a female plays a huge part in the way I'm perceived and these "desires" people expect from me. I have always been gender nonconforming though, I've used plenty of other terms when I was younger (I grew up practically on my phone and I felt as if all these identities and labels were necessary to describe who I was at the time), but now I don't label my gender anymore. It's a very complex thing, going into it makes my head hurt. I've only dated people online when I was younger, who were also trans or a different identity, and two of them ended up being lesbians after years of self discovery. I've been trying to actually find someone in real life that seems right for me, but I have zero hopes in finding someone where I currently live. When I think of being in a romantic relationship with a woman, I feel more feminine, softer? When I'm by myself or with anyone else, I feel these needs of presenting or acting more masculine/androgynous-like. I don't know where I'm going with this, but your video has put a different perspective in my mind, since lately I have been trying to convince myself I am not trans/GNC and that I'm supposed to be a female, I keep forcing myself to dress in certain ways and to stop voice training, and to try to just be a normal female woman so no one is confused.

I don't know, I guess I'm tired of the constant questioning (questioning myself and leaving others confused as well), and feeling as if everyone fits into boxes that are easy to understand, and I still am struggling to understand myself. I have DID and that also plays a huge part in my identity or identities. I'm just really, really exhausted of the shame that comes with not fitting in. I have been trying to push it all under the rug and play this version of myself I don't feel comfortable with. I am a lesbian because I do experience romantic and sexual attraction towards women and feminine presenting people, mostly androgynous women, but I haven't seen anyone like that apart from, what? Fictional characters? People on Pinterest? I hope it doesn't sound like I'm projecting these high, unrealistic standards onto people because that is not the case at all. I'm just trying to say that everyone seems to fit into these binary boxes, either feminine or masculine, and everything else feels invisible... fictitious. I prefer androgyny, when it comes to attraction and for myself, but lately I have been feeling so invisible and depressed.

​That's what's driving me to just suck it up and be the usual female woman everyone is expecting me to be. I used to go by he/him for a good majority of my teen years, since there's not many sets of pronouns that feel right for me, but since last year, I've been convincing myself to get used to she/her or they/them since it's easier for everyone else. I am currently feeling so mixed and... scrambled? when it comes to pronouns. I told my closest friend to use she/her for me (I'm presenting more femininely lately) because deep down I feel guilty for not presenting in a certain way that makes sense.

I'm so sorry if this is too much, I don't know who to go to or if
there's anyone else that feels this way. I have two cisgender friends in real life, and my closest friends online also fit into these binary boxes, and they're all lovely, please don't get me wrong, I just feel like the odd one out sometimes. It makes me feel extremely guilty and ashamed.

A note to the audience would be: can anyone... relate? Is someone
going through something similar? I'm not sure what to do or what to say. I feel lost even though the year is going generally well for me. I just want everything to be right and to feel better.

Thank you so much for reading this, I haven't really spoken to anyone about this before because again, I feel ashamed to share these things with my close circle since I feel as if they won't relate. I don't want to be some sort of "annoying trans person", constantly demanding things or not being able to fit in with the rest, I hope that makes sense. Thanks a million and I hope I can be heard with this.



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