Out of Love

​Author: Allyssa Irene Salcedo 
Email: [email protected]
​
Author's Note: This little piece has been written many times at many different times in my life and has stayed hidden right where I like her, in a word doc that i open like once every few months. But she is done and I love it, so I figured...who better to send it to than a special little lady I know...

​​I hate my body but I love my soul.

What a heavy thought for a little girl.
I could say that I love my body once I
lose ten pounds
then twenty pounds
when I fit into a size 12
when I go from an XXL to a Large or Medium.
I could say that I love my body once I
feel comfortable to swim in anything other than baggy shorts and a t-shirt
workout on an empty stomach five times a week
avoid carbs, sugar, gluten, dairy, and red meat like the plague.
I could only say that I love my body when I was doing everything to change it
It seemed I could only say that I loved my body when all I felt inside was hatred towards it.
Why did I hate my body?
Shouldn’t I hate it on principle that it has fat and stretchmarks?
Shouldn’t I hate it that it jiggles in places I wished it were still?
Shouldn’t I hate it that I was never taught to love myself as I am?
What a twisted way of thinking.
Why don’t I love my body?
Why don’t I do everything out of love to her?
Why can’t I love my body?
I love my body, but I feel so badly about it.
No, that is not love.
I love my body, but I only wear clothes that cover it up.
No, that is not love.
I love my body, but I am constantly plagued with thoughts of how I “need” to change it.
No, that is not love.
God, I hate that I always include “but.”
I love my body…
stop there, do not follow it up with a “but” or “if.”
I love my body,
I love my body as it is and I love my body as I should have always loved my body.


© 2023 Allyssa Salcedo. All Rights Reserved.