True Love or Limerence?

Written by: Anonymous 
Email: [email protected]

I recently fell in love with one of my best friends. To be honest, throughout the past two years I’ve on and off had feelings for her. Whenever I started to feel romantic feelings towards her, I’d somehow talk myself out of it. Usually that involved shit-talking her either to myself or to other people that don’t know her that well, and blowing things out of proportion to make her seem worse than she is. A few months ago I finally let myself accept and acknowledge I am in fact in love with her. I really thought it over, journaled about it, made playlists, wrote poetry. Why? Is this just forced proximity? An obsession? Limerence? When I finally got the nerve to open up to another friend about it she said exactly that- you’re just confused you don’t actually love her, it’s just a crush. That just didn’t feel true to me. I have been through a lot with her, and because we are concert buddies we have traveled a lot together and I’ve spent some of the happiest days of my life with her. Sitting across from her at a restaurant, walking along the beach, listening to music with her in the car are also some of my happiest moments. That doesn’t seem like just an obsession. And of course, she is not perfect, I have been friends with her for a long time and know that all too well, and she knows my flaws and setbacks too. I feel bad for lying about what she was like to my other friends for years, just for my own selfish reasons. 

I told her on New Years Eve, which we were spending together (alone lmao) that I had feelings for her- well- I didn’t actually. I panicked, and told her I used to have feelings for her and love her as a friend. I tried to make it as digestible as possible, because I couldn’t dare tell her the truth, that I can see a life with her, traveling with her, making memories with her, taking care of her for as long as she would want me to. All she said was, “don’t feel bad,” and we dropped the subject. It felt like a rejection- even though it technically wasnt? But i think if she had any feelings for me, wouldn’t she have maybe said something? We were both very drunk at the time, so it wasn’t the most open or productive conversation. I don’t want to bring it up again, as I feel like I’ve already been rejected. There’s still some hope I hold on to that she will want to be with me in the future. I don’t know why, I wish i didnt feel that way. I love her a lot. As a friend, and as more too. I still am not fully convinced I just have a weird crush on her, or I am crazy, or just a loser lesbian. I don't know. I don't know how to feel, and I don't know what to do. When I have talked to my other friends about it, they laugh at me, tell me I'm ridiculous, or tell me that she is not a good person for me. None of my other friends know her that well, and I am super close with her and don't feel like I can fully trust their outlook on her. I know it's stupid to ask, what do I do? But, what do I do lol.


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