Blog Archives

The Luck of Losing You

10/31/2024

How I cry for you continues to embarrass me.

I let my face streak with tears each time I hear your name. The irony of us sharing such a thing will never be lost on me, as I will never stop hearing yours. I cannot deny the cracks it causes each time the six letters are repeated directly at my never-prepared face. The bittersweet resentment accompanying the once beloved word may never disappear completely, but I welcome the day that the memory of your face begins to fade.

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Learning To Let My Pain Take Up Space

10/29/2024

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A journal entry from April 1st, 2023.

Some days I wish something bad would happen just so I stop feeling crazy for feeling this way.

On days like these, days where the thoughts are consuming and both the physical and mental memories are running rampant, I wish something would happen- something bad enough to justify this breakdown but not enough to cause me to spiral for days. This also makes me feel like a victim complex. I hate it. I hate this. I hate admitting this. It feels gross and wrong. It feels like I am manipulating someone into pitying me. Except I don't want pity, and no one is witnessing these bad moments or thoughts. It's only this page, and a page can't judge me- but it can reflect me, and I don't like the reflection I am seeing right now.

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Could I forgive you?

10/26/2024

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I am afraid I will feel you forever, in everything and everywhere.

I can see the mark left by your hand pressed upon my cheek each time I look in the mirror. I can feel the now unbearable weight of your fingertips where they once gently traced my torn skin. I watch as all the stitches left by your love begin to rip as the time passes and drags on without you. Each tear that existed before you and started to patch in your presence now unravels in your honor. I will live with you inside of me always, despite knowing the space that once existed between us for 24 years has been reinstated. I have to laugh now at the memories of thanking a God, I am not entirely sure I believe in, for the once-believed blessed fortune of finding you. I slept next to you and replayed these prayers until my body exhausted itself. You slept next to me as you dreamt of another. I do not wish to remember this of you. At times, I do not wish to remember you at all. I do not want to carry you with me, always. I do not want to carry you with me, at all- but,

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To Be Loved Simply For Being

10/22/2024

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A journal entry from 4/20/2023 on loving and being loved.

The idea of love without constant offering feels weird to me, unreal. A fantasy that will remain unfulfilled. Always providing some tangible proof of my care, my thinking of them and devotion. Should I not give these things, should I not be so quick to give them- even if it is solely in the form of always paying for dinner, my mind assumes death. Any chance of love maintaining momentum and longevity dies and their feelings with it. I never realized I had this thought process until I saw it in a book. This love without excessive giving.

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Sharing my
humanity

Categories

Archives

The Luck of Losing You

Learning To Let My Pain Take Up Space

Could I forgive you?

To Be Loved Simply For Being

Sharing my humanity

Categories

Archives

The Luck of Losing You

Learning To Let My Pain Take Up Space

Could I forgive you?

To Be Loved Simply For Being

Sharing my
humanity