Could I forgive you?

​I am afraid I will feel you forever, in everything and everywhere. 

I can see the mark left by your hand pressed upon my cheek each time I look in the mirror. I can feel the now unbearable weight of your fingertips where they once gently traced my torn skin. I watch as all the stitches left by your love begin to rip as the time passes and drags on without you. Each tear that existed before you and started to patch in your presence now unravels in your honor. I will live with you inside of me always, despite knowing the space that once existed between us for 24 years has been reinstated. I have to laugh now at the memories of thanking a God, I am not entirely sure I believe in, for the once-believed blessed fortune of finding you. I slept next to you and replayed these prayers until my body exhausted itself. You slept next to me as you dreamt of another. I do not wish to remember this of you. At times, I do not wish to remember you at all. I do not want to carry you with me, always. I do not want to carry you with me, at all- but, 

you will forever be embedded into my being, through the imprint of your heart, as it remains eternally carved into mine.

I am afraid that I will remember the warmth of our love forever, only to never find the feeling again in another.

I am afraid of being stuck in this endless cycle of failed reconciliation as I try to make sense of the unbearable confusion and contradiction that is now your memory. I am afraid that I will be forever stuck in this loop of trying to understand the dichotomy that is you, a person who now reeks of dishonesty in all of the places I once found honest salvation. 

What if I forgave you? 

What if I did not let the uncontrollable sobs prevent me from standing up as you broke the news that broke me in return? What if my legs regained feeling a few seconds quicker? What if I was able to follow you out of the room, rather than let my body, overwhelmed with the weight of fresh betrayal, fall to the ground beneath us? What if I was able to lay beside you in our bed that night, where you found sleep so easily? What if I did not stay cemented to the couch until the sun rose, where I heard the words that led to our love’s decay? What if I did not let the words sink in? What if they had not already begun rotting inside of me before morning came? 

What if I forgave you? 

Did you find peace in your dreams that night? Have you found peace in your dreams since? Do you dream of me the same as I dream of you? Endlessly and kindly? Have I impacted you as profoundly as you have irreversibly affected me? 

What if I forgive you? 

What if I ignore these violent marks left upon my heart- each one identical to a footprint left behind as you walked away? What if I distract myself from their perpetual sting with the gift of your presence? What if I give you back my heart, anyway? What if I let all of this love I have left for you claw its way out of my throat and speak the words I am too afraid to say? 

“Come back,” the voice would say, “please, come back.” Except, the words would not come out coherently and the sentiment would begin to slur together with another much more humiliating. 

“Please, do not hurt me,” the voice would say. “I love you,” it would beg, “please, do not hurt me this way.” 

I cannot forgive you. I cannot forgive you so long as these words echo throughout the house that was once ours. I cannot forgive you so long as these violent marks of footprints upon my heart haunt mercilessly. I cannot forgive you so long as my body still crumbles at the thought of once being touched by yours. I cannot forgive you- but, 

you will forever be embedded into my being, through the imprint of your heart, as it remains eternally carved into mine. 

I cannot forgive you for what has been done, but I will never forget you for what we once were.


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