To Be Loved Simply For Being

A journal entry from 4/20/2023 on loving and being loved. 
​
The idea of love without constant offering feels weird to me, unreal. A fantasy that will remain unfulfilled. Always providing some tangible proof of my care, my thinking of them and devotion. Should I not give these things, should I not be so quick to give them- even if it is solely in the form of always paying for dinner, my mind assumes death. Any chance of love maintaining momentum and longevity dies and their feelings with it. I never realized I had this thought process until I saw it in a book. This love without excessive giving. ​

It was a song of achilles by Madeline miller. The love shared between patroclus and achilles was hardly built upon the giving of an item, but rather this intangible appreciation and care through the experience of the others presence. The other's pure existence and personification of internal being was all that was needed. When I recall the book, I would never reference a token of their love. There is no major gift that is given to represent love, that proves to the reader that it is real. Instead it is the moments filled with their words or the meeting of their bodies, flesh. The friendship developed and the trust. I was re-reading it when I noticed. The thought, “I want someone to love me simply for being me,” went through my head and led me down this rabbit hole of self analysis and the realities of love. Achilles never asks for anything other than his presence, patroclus’ friendship and personality to accompany him through life. To remain by his side because all the words he speaks and the way he moves makes his life better. The admiration and respect of Achilles, his kindness and honesty to a fault, all ingrained in his being- all cannot be touched by our hands, but must be found through the mind. That was his love. Their love was nothing but pure knowing of the other. It did not sit within objects or gifts, it just was. I want that. I want to live that. I want to trust myself enough to live this, to not be controlled by this overwhelming conditioning to give and give and give until my heart gives out to make sure they love me, to make sure they do not stop loving me. To prove that I love them, because my devotion is not enough if not represented by endless gifts to show it. This gift giving is beyond a love language and that is the problem. That may be one of my biggest problems in love, one of my most subconscious affectors. I will do my best from here on out to remind myself this is not the case, this will never be the case. Never in the hands of true, and pure love. I am hopeful. I am hoping. 

© 2024 Niki Christine. All Rights Reserved.